


Don't Give Up On Us

by Awesome_Sauce432



Series: Post Episode Fun Times [8]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Beau Nearly Left And The Nein Are Not Happy About That, Beau's Appalling Self-Esteem, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode 93, Self-Sacrificial Tendencies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 06:46:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22491781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Awesome_Sauce432/pseuds/Awesome_Sauce432
Summary: Somehow the Mighty Nein got away from a powerful deal-making hag with nothing lost but a cupcake. They could have lost so much more, and not everyone is happy with how prepared one of them was to sacrifice everything.Beau's convinced that her offer would have ended up as a net positive eventually. The rest of the Mighty Nein do not agree.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & The Mighty Nein
Series: Post Episode Fun Times [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487249
Comments: 24
Kudos: 185





	Don't Give Up On Us

They never should have been able to do that. That  _ never  _ should have been able to work. 

Jester Lavorre was a motherfucking legend. 

The Mighty Nein stumbled through the forest, almost in a daze, just pushing further and ducking away from every snapped twig they heard or shadow that moved, until they finally found somewhere that seemed reasonably safe. Caleb hadn’t prepared his teleportation spell, so they were stuck until they were able to get some sleep.

Caleb’s hands were trembling as he set up their dome, and for a few minutes all of them just stared at each other, some crouching and others standing, all tense and poised to run in case the hag burst out of the trees at any moments. 

Minutes passed and no hag appeared, with hardly a sound except for their ragged breathing. 

“Oh my gosh you guys.” Jester said breathlessly. “Okay, I think we’re okay.”

“What did you  _ do? _ ” Nott had been drunk before and just seemed manic now, pulling on Jester’s arm to tug her towards her. “What did you  _ give  _ her?” 

“A cupcake.” Jester said, her smile faltering after a second as if everything was suddenly sinking in. “I-I talked to her and I  _ offered  _ to chop my hands off and then I gave her a cupcake and I modified her memory to make her think we were really good friends and she totally wanted to lift your curse!” 

“Holy shit.” Fjord hissed, running a hand through his hand. “That  _ worked _ ?”

“I mean, yeah.” Jester covered her mouth with her hand, muffling giggles. “Oh my gosh, it worked.” 

“That’s… that’s amazing.” Caduceus said. “I never would have thought of that.” 

“That’s so dangerous. If it hadn’t worked…” Caleb looked mildly horrified, or perhaps just stunned, or a mixture of both. “Jester, you are… incredible.” 

Beau stood near the edge of the dome, her arms drawn tight across her chest, feeling like it was taking every inch of her just to keep breathing in a somewhat steady manner. Somehow,  _ somehow _ , thanks to Jester and her genius and her plans and her wit and her charm, they’d done it. They’d gotten Nott’s curse lifted and hadn’t had to give up anything more than a cupcake. 

A cupcake. She’d been ready to- she’d nearly-

She’d been so close to giving up  _ everything,  _ and all it had taken was a cupcake, and Jester. 

“Oh my god. I need a fucking nap.” Nott had gotten her flask out but wasn’t drinking from it, her knuckles pale from how hard she was holding onto it. 

“I think a good, long, sleep would do us all a lot of good.” Caduceus agreed, not even setting up his tea kettle like he often would after a long day. If  _ he  _ was out of sorts, the rest of them really had no hope. 

“That was insane.” Fjord was fumbling with his bag of holding, digging through it for bedrolls. “Holy shit.”

“That could have ended terribly. We are so lucky. The things some of you offered…” Caleb’s voice trailed off, and he looked between all four of the women, but particularly Beau and Nott.

Beau had hardly moved a muscle, wasn’t sure she’d be able to even if she wanted to. 

“I mean- I-I don’t know if I could’ve actually gone  _ through  _ with mine.” Nott spoke hesitantly, not looking sure if she believed herself. “I think. I don’t know.” Her voice was hollow, her fingers fiddling with the cap on her flask. 

“No. No, you couldn’t have.” Fjord didn’t sound confident either, his eyes flickering to Beau. “You neither, right Beau?” 

Beau forced herself not to flinch, her fingernails digging into her arm. “I- it doesn’t matter anymore, right? Jester did it. She- she saved the day.” 

Half the group was looking at her now, and even though the temperature in the dome never changed it was suddenly too hot for comfort. 

“You weren’t going to leave, right?” Jester was looking at her,  _ right  _ at her, and Beau felt like a rope drawn so taut it was only moments from snapping. 

She would have. Nearly did. If Jester hadn’t pulled off a miracle, if none of the others had any tricks up their sleeves, if it came down to who’d be able to shake the hag’s hand first, it would’ve been Beau. 

“Beau!” There was disbelieving horror in Jester’s voice and now Beau did flinch, felt Caleb and Fjord and Caduceus and Yasha and Nott and  _ all of them  _ looking at her now, their faces probably a mix of stony silence and shock. She couldn’t see them in the darkness, and that was perhaps the only thing stopping her from completely losing it. The knowledge that most of them were able to see her was a distant thought. 

“It would’ve  _ worked _ \- it would’ve been-”

“Are you going to say ‘worth it’?” Caleb asked quietly, before Jester could interject with another dismayed cry. Beau gritted her teeth together, chafing under everyone’s eyes, the dome feeling smaller and smaller, heat crawling up her spine like a spider. 

She didn’t answer, staring at the ground instead. 

There was a long, drawn-out silence, and a part of Beau wanted to bolt into the dark forest no matter how stupid that would be, but the rest of her was frozen where she stood, waiting for… she didn’t know what. 

She hadn’t thought they’d get out of there without losing something. She’d been so determined that something would be herself. She’d been ready to say goodbye, ready to  _ leave _ and then Yasha had gone in and  _ Jester  _ had gone in and then it was all just over. 

“It doesn’t matter. It’s-” Her voice caught in her throat and she inhaled sharply. Exhaled. “It’s over now. It’s fine.”

“No it’s not!” Jester interjected, and Beau wasn’t wearing her goggles but she didn’t need to to hear the watery edge to her voice, to imagine her eyes welling up. “It’s not  _ fine,  _ Beau! That’s not fine!” 

“It didn’t happen! You did it!” Beau snapped. “This is our best case scenario!” 

“That’s not what I’m talking about!” Jester said, and Beau could vaguely see her step towards her. “I”m talking about you nearly sacrificing yourself.  _ Leaving _ . Like it didn’t even matter-”

“Of course it matters. You matter. All of you matter.” 

“But not you?” Yasha spoke up, from where she’d been contemplatively silent up until this point somewhere to Beau’s left. 

“No!” Beau said immediately, before wincing at how she knew that would sound. “I mean- it makes  _ sense _ . Nott needed that curse to be lifted. She has her husband, her  _ son _ , she can  _ be there  _ for them. Me- you guys and the Cobalt Soul are all I’ve got. There’s nowhere else for me to go after this! At the very least I can do something good with it!” 

Too loud. She was nearly shouting now, making the silence even more deafening after she finished, choking on her own breath. She couldn’t do this. She wouldn’t have told them what she’d offered at all if she could’ve gotten away with it. 

They would’ve been alright, in the end. They would’ve been able to move on. They might’ve missed her for a bit but they would’ve gotten over it-

“Beau.” Caleb’s voice came from far closer than she’d last heard him and it nearly made her jump. “That would not have been a fair exchange.” 

“It would have been. I’m  _ used  _ to it, I’ve been alone before-”

“No, Beau. That would not have been a misery to yourself alone.” Caleb’s voice was quiet, so quiet that perhaps the others couldn’t hear, meant for her ears alone. “You would have exchanged the misery of one for the misery of seven. That is not a fair deal.” 

His hand fell on her shoulder, and she felt a part of herself buckle, but she just shook her head, unable to accept it. He pushed down gently, trying to nudge her to sit. She didn’t let him, stayed standing stiff, but she couldn’t bring herself to brush his hand away. 

“We would not have let you leave.” Yasha said. “Do you realise that?”

She shook her head again, not necessarily as an answer to the question but some part of her just rejecting the question itself altogether. No, they would have realised it was the best way. Caleb was smart, Fjord was smart, they would have realised it even if the others maybe would have been upset. 

“I would have sliced that hag in two before letting you walk away.” Yasha said softly. 

“No.” Beau whispered under her breath. Then, a little louder. “She’s powerful. We couldn’t have.”

“That doesn’t matter.” Yasha didn’t hesitate. 

“Of course we wouldn’t have let you leave!” Jester finally seemed fed up of letting the others talk, and Beau could hear her footsteps approaching, suddenly appearing in front of her, fuzzy and dark in the moonlight but her eyes so wide and her hands gripping at Beau’s upper arms. “You can’t leave!”

“I-I no, Jes, you don’t get it-”

“No, Beau,  _ you  _ don’t get it!” Beau might’ve stepped back in shock if she hadn’t already been frozen in place by her own body and Jester’s hands on her arms. “We don’t want to lose you!” 

Beau could hear the others shifting and shuffling, some standing up, some stepping closer, others hanging back. Jester kept talking. Almost shouting. 

“We  _ love  _ you! You’re one of us! You’re so strong and smart and kind and you  _ always  _ do this! You can’t sacrifice yourself for us!”

“I’m not-”

“You  _ are _ ! That’s what you were going to do! You were going to leave us forever and you thought we’d just be  _ fine  _ with that?” Jester’s hands were as cold as ice even through her gloves, the temperature in the dome dropping.

“Jester-” One of the others began to talk but Jester cut them off. Beau could have sworn her eyes were glowing, purple shining in the moonlight, rimmed with passion and tears and  _ rage _ . 

Beau wasn’t sure she was breathing. She couldn’t remember drawing a breath, her mind frozen in the face of an anger that she’d once said she wanted to see, but never imagined to be directed at her. 

“You’re always tanking hits, and I  _ know  _ you have to be up close but you’re never careful with yourself, you’ll just throw yourself in as soon as one of us is even close to being in trouble. You offered to  _ leave.  _ Do you think we don’t love you? That we just won’t care if you left? If you die?” Jester’s voice broke on her last questions, her hands squeezing Beau’s arms for a moment before she threw her own around her, burying her face into Beau’s collarbone. “Do you think we don’t care?” 

“No- no-” She was trembling, when had she started trembling? “I’m sorry- I-”

She inhaled, her breath hitching, her legs feeling like they were about to snap beneath her. No, this was all wrong, this was  _ wrong _ . Something wasn’t clicking into place here and she didn’t know it was, all she knew was that Jester was furious. At her. For trying to leave. For considering it at all. Furious and crying and asking her  _ why _ . 

She didn’t know why anymore. 

Caleb’s hand pushed down again, and this time she let him nudge her to the ground, almost falling the last foot or so to her knees, her shoulders truly beginning to shake. Caleb’s arm snaked around her and Jester automatically adjusted herself, never letting go or loosening her grip. 

“You are not alone anymore, Beauregard.” Caleb whispered. “You cannot run from it, you cannot avoid it.” 

He mumbled a few words and suddenly there was light in the dome, hovering just above them. Suddenly Beau could see almost everyone, all of them crowded close. Jester’s face was hidden from her but she could feel wet tears soaking into her clothes.

“We’d come after you.” Yasha said, looking down at her hands before gently placing one on top of Beau’s knee. “The same way you came after me.” 

Fjord shuffled past Jester, and then Caduceus and Nott too came in closer to join them. “You’re one of us, Beau.” Fjord said, the corner of his mouth tilted upwards but with no mirth in his eyes. “You’re part of the Mighty Nein. You’re my first mate, you’re with  _ us _ .”

“You leaving-” Nott seemed hesitant, still well and truly in shock herself. “It would hurt, Beau. Even if it broke the curse. It would hurt.” 

“You’re one of us.” Fjord repeated, pressing his forehead to her temple just for a moment. 

Beau couldn’t stop the choked out sob from escaping her throat, her arms pinned to her side by Jester leaving her unable to wipe away the thick, hot tears that came from her eyes. They  _ still  _ didn’t understand. 

“Not forever-” It was a whisper first, but she  _ had  _ to make them see, had to make them understand. “Not forever. One day we’ll have done everything and there’ll be world peace or some shit and all of you will have lives or people to go to and then it’ll all be over. We won’t have a reason to be together anymore.” 

“Why do you think that will happen?” Caduceus asked, a velvety hand rubbing smooth circles into her back, a rhythm for her unsteady breathing to try and follow. 

“It never lasts. Family- friends, happiness- I don’t  _ get  _ to have that. Not forever. I didn’t even think I’d get  _ this _ . I’ve already exceeded all expectations! It _won't_ last!” She barked out a joyless, pitiful laugh, curling inward, as if that would help her escape from this.

Jester loosened her grip then, and Beau had to look into her shimmering eyes and tear-stained cheeks properly and she thought she might shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment. 

“No, no, You’re so- Beau-” Jester sobbed. “That’s not how it works. There’s no limit for happiness. You can always get  _ more _ .”

She cupped Beau’s cheeks in her hands and gave her a broken smile, and Beau truly crumbled. Caleb’s arm tightened around her, she felt the others that hadn’t yet touched her putting their hands on her back, her shoulders, her knees. 

“I’m sorry-” She finally let herself melt into them, closing her eyes and not even trying to hold back her tears. 

“We don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, Beau.” Jester said, remnants of her anger still lurking in her eyes. “But I don’t want to ever leave you behind. Not ever. Please don’t give up on us.”

“I don’t want to leave.” Beau whispered breathlessly, almost collapsing into another round of sobs after admitting it. “I don’t want to lose you. Any of you. Not again.” 

“We don’t want to lose you either.” Yasha said softly, the sentiment echoed by the others. 

“We love you.” Fjord said.

Beau inhaled shakily, one of her hands curling up over one of Jester’s, sticky with tears. “I love you too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> this episode got me Fucked Up  
> f u ck ed u p 
> 
> we were THIS CLOSE to losing beau  
> ONE GODDAMN CUPCAKE AWAY what the FUCK what the F U C K 
> 
> now if you excuse me im going to go cry myself to sleep and start praying that SOMEONE in the Mighty Nein calls beau out on her self-sacrificial tendencies before something TERRIBLE HAPPENS oh my god i cant believe it what the fuck that episode was one gut punch after another


End file.
